Hiding

Here I am hidden in my room as my brother brings his girlfriend over for whatever reason. Word has it that he is quite smitten with her.

As for why I am hiding? I have this rather complex inferiority complex that I seem to have with everybody. It's not the fact that I feel inferior but I have these self esteem issues where if I imagine someone is judging me, I dwell on it and quite frankly I have quite a bit to judge myself on. Whether it being that I must restart my bachelors while my peers are steadily transitioning into jobs. Or that I must burden my father to work a few more years to get me through college yet again. Or that I can't spoil my girlfriend due to financial issues? Ah such are the musings of the unemployed. 

On the plus side, made green tea crepe cake together with the girlfriend. Not presentable but a cake does not need to be a looker to be devoured.

Weep like angels

Allergies are in full bloom, I'm dying. My eyes. If I gouge them out and it bleeds, it'll bring me relief. 

It is great I suppose, networking. A lab partner had just told me of some research opportunities and that I should apply. Sending me the link soon I do hope.

I had a pretty good time catching up with my old friends from my 1st undergraduate degree. It makes me wonder how I can be myself freely in front of them and of the things I cannot say around my girlfriend. It's a matter of putting on masks and shells which I'm not sure why they teach it to be bad in my youth. Many masks is how you survive with everyone else who each too wears a different mask. 

My mask currently? An allergy ridden blood bleeding mask.

Progression with my NRAD speech dialect, North American non regional dialect, is going well. I can only hope it will incorporate with my public speaking from now on. It will make me an effective speaker much like that extreme gospel preacher on the subway who went on about gods wrath with much fervor for about half an hour. Annoying? Yes, but respect for the delivery is given where t is due.

An ideal

I suppose my ideal self has always been one that people could think of respectfully. That is to say I've spent a good portion if my life trying to transform myself into someone with an ideal personality by reading all these empowerment books. Communication, confidence, power, humor, intellect, culture. I've tried my best to master as many areas as I've could and I feel quite accomplished to what I've amassed in knowledge. 

Sadly the only thing I need right now is a job. A respectful one making a decent income. Perhaps te last step I need in order to confidently present myself. For now I guise myself as humble when really inside I want to be able to look on others who have have not worked hard with scorn and contempt. And with projection, I project my inner contempt onto others as a nasty reflection of myself. If I can not see others with respect, how can I respect myself who is not in a position to be respected?

Going to a family outing tomorrow. I've grown weary of new people. Ugly reflection kind of thing. Could use a job and income. 

Rather than complain, I suppose what I need to do is brainstorm what can I do to make me money? Preferably something online. Yes, indeed. Pro activity is so difficult.

Hiding

Here I am hidden in my room as my brother brings his girlfriend over for whatever reason. Word has it that he is quite smitten with her.

As for why I am hiding? I have this rather complex inferiority complex that I seem to have with everybody. It's not the fact that I feel inferior but I have these self esteem issues where if I imagine someone is judging me, I dwell on it and quite frankly I have quite a bit to judge myself on. Whether it being that I must restart my bachelors while my peers are steadily transitioning into jobs. Or that I must burden my father to work a few more years to get me through college yet again. Or that I can't spoil my girlfriend due to financial issues? Ah such are the musings of the unemployed. 

On the plus side, made green tea crepe cake together with the girlfriend. Not presentable but a cake does not need to be a looker to be devoured.

I am a 23 year old Male living in New York City. I am asked all the time "What nationality are you?" Sometimes I wish to quip that I am a human such nationality should not identify us, but I like to reply that I am American. Clearly not the answer I am looking for but born and raised in Brooklyn, NY I can identify myself no other way.

Then the question is phrased "What ethnicity are you" or "Where are your parents from?" To which I reply promptly, for it is now the correct question for the answer to which they seek, "I am Asian, Chinese to be exact with my parents from Hong Kong"

I am currently attending school for my 2nd Bachelors. A waste of time some might say. Fleeing time it is indeed, however to be honest I didn't do enough during my first in order to land me a career, and me being one of those new age hippies who believe the mantra "Love thy work," I was under-employed doing real estate work part time to which I hated due to blatant racism and discrimination to which I had no control.

But all was not wasted, for I have made bonds that have lasted, got into a loving relationship, and built my character constantly absorbing life skills beginning with the read "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene to which I still employ skills mentioned in the book today.

Alas thus are musings for another day.